Wise with Simplicity

Pisces Full Moon-- Your making me  so Emotional!

That must have been the most emotional full moon I have experienced in a while and with my emotions always comes change.  I have so much to tell that I am quieted in the chaos.  Never do I sit alone with out thought.  Never a still mind.

Just finished Tudors.  Amazingly I just am infatuated with old England.  Talk about having no freedom to present your mind...the only thing that I can be sure of is that if I was a woman back in those days with my questioning mind, I would have lost my head... literally.   Sure, I'd like to see some heads roll but not as freely put to death as ordered by the Kings and Queens of England.

I am reminded of something that King Henry VIII said.  In those days you had to be a King to receive the education and worldly experience.  The common man rarely traveled or was taught.  King Henry was an interesting man;  he was ruled by the seasons and he was a very educated man.  With education and thinking comes a duty to teach however with that comes complication and the wanting of more and more and more.  My mind is seldom quiet but I long for peace.  How do you live with a wise mind in simplicity.  At this point I am sure that it is what the Buda teaches.

I am going to need to branch out my spirituality in the coming years.  I need inner peace in the midst of chaos.  Or do I need outer peace... shit.  Thank god there is still time.  

Cut off at the Knees

"Cut off at the Knees".  This is a Brazilian expression that my husband has used from time to time. I thought it was kind of funny when he said it and at the same time wondered what kind of meaning is behind that.  Upon moving to Brasil, I heard a lot of new sayings of course.  Usually the exact phrase can not be translated into English words and even the meaning is a bit murky.   

I still do not know today if it translates word for word in English or if it was just his way of saying the meaning in English words.  He would say many things in English that if you didn't just go with funny, they might sound harsh.  Needless to say, over the last 7 months I find myself using it and it has a lot of meaning now. 

For me, I think it best represents how I felt energetically.  In America, if I wanted something I would create it.  With Both will and hard work, I could make it happen especially with money.  In Brasil, I could not get a pulse on the energy and no matter how much I put it out into the universe, I would fall short every time.  It felt as if my desire and destiny were no longer up to me and it possibly never would be again.  Dont get me wrong, I had great experiences too, but eventually we were getting a pretty clear picture of things to come. 

For instance, no one had to do what they said they would do in Brasil and everyone knows it, just as sure you need water to live.  I didn't know it and refused to believe it.  To me living without trust in the common man and respect for all would have been too dark a path to follow and more importantly one which I wanted to shield from my children.  What his family will not understand is that we had limits to our struggle and we always felt that we had a home somewhere else.  This meant that if it got too tough we would just pull the rip chord.   Maybe we pulled it to late or as all things happen in divine order... at the perfect time.  This is yet to be revealed.  

We were Americans (Rodrigo too) and Entrepreneurs.  We are creators of our lives and destiny.  We believe with conviction that if you work hard, have a good idea and a little luck we could accomplish anything.  You see there is no need to struggle somewhere else because we knew what kind of life we could have in America with nothing in our pockets.  We knew what kind of life we wanted to give our kids and more importantly I knew what kind of mother that I wanted to be.   When this was obviously not going to be attainable, we were fine to make the change.  It might have been the only plan that we did have before we went to Brasil. 

However, I did not ever ever think that I would leave Brasil with out my husband or my dog in a million years or think that I would come back to America with only 2 only suitcases and $100. to my name.   
I came on a vacation, but only within 2 weeks did I realize that this was my rip chord.  This was it, now or never.  The way things were going I would never be able to raise the R$5000, to buy plane tickets for our return again and more importantly we would never have raised the rest of the money to finish our immigration process.   

That was the reality and then of course there was my internal struggle that was born just months after I stepped back onto American soil.  I ended up feeling a lot of guilt for leaving with out proper goodbyes, leaving part of my family there and sadness for going in the first place.  I came back with my tail between my legs and for the first time in my life; a little anger in my heart.  

Needless to say I am so thankful that my sister wanted us to stay in her home to help us revive and start a new life.  I did not predict this, but here I am.  

Just a couple of days ago in a conversation with my sister in law, she asked "Why did you have to have a big house? Why did you need to buy a car so quickly? Why did you think you would learn Portuguese in 1 year? Why couldn't you just have regular small jobs or work in a factory? Why? Why? Why?"  
My only response is:
Admittedly, I did not think about it.  We got to a point in America where we could not move forward if we didn't go back to Rodrigo's past as he was gone for too long.  I did not think...because WHO in their right mind would do something like that?  Moving 2 kids, 2 elderly animals, not knowing the language to a foreign country.  I did it for my husband, so that his family could meet the children and for the experience and I thought "how bad could it be?  I would have a new mother, sisters and kids to share time with".  

Although little thought may have gone into what happens when we get there, I knew it wasn't going to be easy and I knew the experience would change me.  I just didn't know how.  I can remember driving one day in Brasil, thinking "OK Jill, is this the bottom?"  and I thought "No, not yet".   Rodrigo had questions that needed answered and I would have follow that man anywhere.  

Day 2

I want to explain the title of my blog.  "The Rise and Fall of just Jill".  

I did not put much thought into it because as I tried to think up something more catchy...easily these words came back to me.  Words that individually meant a lot to me, and in that order. 

"The Rise and Fall" represents my state of Confidence, ability to Control and loss of Power over the last 2 years.  Ending two years of my life like a steam train slowly rolling into the station.

I know if you were a fan of "Jill In Brazil", one of two things happened.  After reading my new blog you either thought; I'd better call her to see if she is OK or you might have been wondering what happened.   I will get to all that soon enough because as much fun as I had writing "Jill In Brazil", this might be my best work yet.  We are going to go through some awesome mental trips together as I visit and reflect on some of my craziest and most desperate experiences along with some exciting events in my new future.   

Why "just Jill"?  I guess my bubble had popped.  A Brazilian in my English class once said to me, "Don't you Americans live in a bubble?".  Of course I defended it and then blogged about it, but now when I talk I generally say "Thank god for that beautiful bubble of Trust and Innocents".  
If it did pop I am glad of the timing but sad to see it go.  Just Jill represents the moment when I realized that no matter how grand my adventures or how much energy I put into making sense out of them, at the end of the day I look forward to a bit more ordinary life.  

The Rise and Fall of just Jill: A new day.

The Rise and Fall of just Jill: A new day.: As I was watching "Tudors" this week, I was taken by something that one of  King Henry VIII's closest companions said to him, "I know wh...

A new day.

As I was watching "Tudors" this week, I was taken by something that one of  King Henry VIII's closest companions said to him, "I know what it is that we have both lost... we've lost our Youth and there is nothing in the world that can ever return it to us".  

I have been away for 8 months.  Could be possibly stated that I have been hiding while healing from recent experiences in my life.  Since I left Brasil, my life has been up and down and I have found myself...my new self struggling to regain perhaps the person that I once was.  Today, I accept that I am never going to be the same but with that change comes opportunity to be born into something new.  A new discovery of my potential and my strength to start over.  

I am ready to write again because I have found my bottom.  Emotionally and physically I have lost everything.  Blessed with my children by my side and hope for my husbands return, I do still see the grace that I have been given.  I know that my experience was strategically written by a higher power whom I call god and I have faith that the stones which are being placed one by one daily for me to walk is my silent blessing to an extraordinary life that is yet to be revealed.    

I suppose this blog will be a discovery of the new me.  With an open mind, a modest heart, and a sense of humor I will go on a journey to explore a new life on my own, in a new city and a fresh start.  Get ready for the truth in this new blog "The Rise and Fall of Just Jill".