Cut off at the Knees

"Cut off at the Knees".  This is a Brazilian expression that my husband has used from time to time. I thought it was kind of funny when he said it and at the same time wondered what kind of meaning is behind that.  Upon moving to Brasil, I heard a lot of new sayings of course.  Usually the exact phrase can not be translated into English words and even the meaning is a bit murky.   

I still do not know today if it translates word for word in English or if it was just his way of saying the meaning in English words.  He would say many things in English that if you didn't just go with funny, they might sound harsh.  Needless to say, over the last 7 months I find myself using it and it has a lot of meaning now. 

For me, I think it best represents how I felt energetically.  In America, if I wanted something I would create it.  With Both will and hard work, I could make it happen especially with money.  In Brasil, I could not get a pulse on the energy and no matter how much I put it out into the universe, I would fall short every time.  It felt as if my desire and destiny were no longer up to me and it possibly never would be again.  Dont get me wrong, I had great experiences too, but eventually we were getting a pretty clear picture of things to come. 

For instance, no one had to do what they said they would do in Brasil and everyone knows it, just as sure you need water to live.  I didn't know it and refused to believe it.  To me living without trust in the common man and respect for all would have been too dark a path to follow and more importantly one which I wanted to shield from my children.  What his family will not understand is that we had limits to our struggle and we always felt that we had a home somewhere else.  This meant that if it got too tough we would just pull the rip chord.   Maybe we pulled it to late or as all things happen in divine order... at the perfect time.  This is yet to be revealed.  

We were Americans (Rodrigo too) and Entrepreneurs.  We are creators of our lives and destiny.  We believe with conviction that if you work hard, have a good idea and a little luck we could accomplish anything.  You see there is no need to struggle somewhere else because we knew what kind of life we could have in America with nothing in our pockets.  We knew what kind of life we wanted to give our kids and more importantly I knew what kind of mother that I wanted to be.   When this was obviously not going to be attainable, we were fine to make the change.  It might have been the only plan that we did have before we went to Brasil. 

However, I did not ever ever think that I would leave Brasil with out my husband or my dog in a million years or think that I would come back to America with only 2 only suitcases and $100. to my name.   
I came on a vacation, but only within 2 weeks did I realize that this was my rip chord.  This was it, now or never.  The way things were going I would never be able to raise the R$5000, to buy plane tickets for our return again and more importantly we would never have raised the rest of the money to finish our immigration process.   

That was the reality and then of course there was my internal struggle that was born just months after I stepped back onto American soil.  I ended up feeling a lot of guilt for leaving with out proper goodbyes, leaving part of my family there and sadness for going in the first place.  I came back with my tail between my legs and for the first time in my life; a little anger in my heart.  

Needless to say I am so thankful that my sister wanted us to stay in her home to help us revive and start a new life.  I did not predict this, but here I am.  

Just a couple of days ago in a conversation with my sister in law, she asked "Why did you have to have a big house? Why did you need to buy a car so quickly? Why did you think you would learn Portuguese in 1 year? Why couldn't you just have regular small jobs or work in a factory? Why? Why? Why?"  
My only response is:
Admittedly, I did not think about it.  We got to a point in America where we could not move forward if we didn't go back to Rodrigo's past as he was gone for too long.  I did not think...because WHO in their right mind would do something like that?  Moving 2 kids, 2 elderly animals, not knowing the language to a foreign country.  I did it for my husband, so that his family could meet the children and for the experience and I thought "how bad could it be?  I would have a new mother, sisters and kids to share time with".  

Although little thought may have gone into what happens when we get there, I knew it wasn't going to be easy and I knew the experience would change me.  I just didn't know how.  I can remember driving one day in Brasil, thinking "OK Jill, is this the bottom?"  and I thought "No, not yet".   Rodrigo had questions that needed answered and I would have follow that man anywhere.